再聽 Kurumi

記得初中時，曾跟一位數學老師談起金庸的小說。老師剛入不惑的年紀，四十出頭，出生於大陸，長於台灣，成家於美國。開朗、認真，讓當時還是個英文大字不識幾個的我，倍感親切。

老師對我很照顧，因為我的數學程度不錯，她破歷的讓我不用跟著課堂進度，而可以進修更深度的課程。老師同時也是一個金庸迷。她說過，金庸的小說，是活的，是會跟著讀者一起成長的。她讀金庸幾十年，隨著自己的成長與世故，書中的事與人物，也伴著她，不停的在變。

今天，也不清楚為什麼，舊地重遊，把三年前的歌，“Kurumi”，又重聽了一遍，並找到中文的翻譯歌詞來讀，驚覺歌沒有變，但自己已不是那不識愁為何物的男孩了，已不是記意中的那份感觸了，不禁想起老師的話。

“此情可待成追憶，只是當時已惘然”



----
喂～ Kurumi
這街道的景色在你的眼中是什麼模樣呢？
現在的我看起來又是怎樣？

喂～ Kurumi
若是旁人的關心也讓你聽起來像挖苦似的
那個時候又該怎麼做才好呢？

只是回想起過去美好的一切
卻讓人的心情更自覺得瀕老
在這樣的生活裡頭
如今　我正要動起來了
因為我不想只做個齒輪而已啊
伴隨希望的衍生而增加的失望
即使如此明天的內心依舊悸動
「究竟會發生什麼事呢？」
試著去想像看看吧

喂～ Kurumi
假使時間的河流會將一切給洗刷帶走的話
那生存這件事就變得再容易不過了

喂～ Kurumi
在那之後我一次也不曾讓眼淚流下來
可是　讓我能夠開懷真心的笑卻也很少

不知在哪裡扣錯了
發覺到的時候才知道多了一個鈕扣
就像這樣地要是能和 某個有多的鈕扣穴的人相遇
讓一切變得有意義就好了
伴隨邂逅的次數而增加的別離
即使如此內心仍因希望而跳動
每當在走過十字路口的時候
難免也會有迷失方向的時候

總是乞望想擁有比眼前更多
為了追求那不變的愛而高歌
於是齒輪不停轉動
超過必要的負擔 讓齒輪一面發出嘎吱的聲響
伴隨希望的衍生而增加的失望
即使如此明天的內心依舊悸動
「究竟會發生什麼事呢？」
試著去想像看看吧
伴隨邂逅的次數而增加的別離
即使如此內心仍因希望而跳動
現在已經不能夠回頭了啊
向前走吧 踏上沒有你的這條路
----

都江堰

新家，新職位，新的生活作習．．．
也不是刻意如此，但就像燒白開水一般，日子一天一天，看來如如不動，燒水時的前十分鐘是沒有動靜的；但改變，如平地一聲雷，水壺尖銳氣笛，是來的快，更是來的驚。

"又是ㄧ個開始！"想到這，一些壓在心上的事，不知不覺，似乎又鬆了些。有些路，還是得自己走。對自己的期望，一種冰雪般的透徹。

Enough about me! 窮書生還是來掉點書包吧。

各位知道李冰的都江堰嗎？

都江堰是人類文明史上，曠古絕今的一項水利工程。實際上，都江堰其實是三個工程的總稱：魚嘴的功用是分開江中的水與沙；將岷江分為內江與外江，內江位於彎道的內側，所以泥沙會流向外江。寶瓶口能引進水源並且控制引水量。而在上游修築的飛沙堰，則將過多的洪水和泥沙排回外江。

整個過程中，最重要的一環，就是寶瓶口壅水段的保持。經過魚嘴與飛沙堰的引導和排流，少數的泥沙還是會進入寶瓶口。放任泥沙的淤積，都江堰是用不了兩千年的。

所以每年，冬季枯水時，岷江都會進行疏浚和掏淤的工程。

想想，人的心，何嘗不是如此。過多的沙雖然可由飛沙堰引走，但有些心裡的沙，還是得靠自己去清理。

最後，在給大家講個故事。話說許多許多年前的一晚，在黃州（湖北省東部，長江北岸），蘇大學士在一個為他而瓣的餞行宴上，被一位叫做李琪的歌女要求在她的披肩上提一首詩。蘇軾在黃州沒有聽過李琪的名字。他讓李琪磨墨，順手在披肩上提開兩行平淡無奇的開頭：

＂東坡四年黃州住，何事無言及李琪。＂

寫完，蘇軾繼續喝他的酒，談他的天。眾人心想，或許蘇學士今天狀況不佳，且詩又還沒有寫完。過一下，李琪再一次上前，要求蘇東坡寫完。東坡帶著微微的酒意，提筆一揮，寫下：

＂卻似西川杜工部，海堂雖好不吟詩。＂

千古才子微醺時所流入出的漫不經心的美感，微妙的恭維這個少女，留下了另一個不朽。

＂海堂雖好不吟詩＂－　寫的好！

讀詩後的意識流

為什麼要分離？

眼淚不會說話，但，從她臉頰上的液體倒映中，他彷彿看見自己在問，為何分離？如何能夠這樣決定？她的眼淚如她眼中的深邃一般，透明，卻絲毫不見清晰。

－－－

＂黯然消魂者，唯別而已矣＂

楊過在絕情谷等不到小龍女，而太陽已下山．．．
張無忌與小昭被迫分手，小昭乘著船，緩緩飄去．．．
蕭峰抱著已死去的心愛阿朱，徘迴在青石橋邊．．．

－－－

妳的一切在今日始終是我的流浪
我只好用詩尋找流失的歸屬
下筆才發現盡是情意的斷句

－－－

"眼見得眼見得那青梗
一路細弱的彎下去彎下去
是不能承受歲月與香氣的重量吧

搖落安足論
瘦與孤清，乃至
輾轉反側。只恨無新句
如新葉，抱寒破空而出
趁他人未說我先說"

-周夢蝶 (花心動 之二)

－－－

信否？路是天下有心人
大手握小手
一步一步走過來的

Wang's Magnificent Sinker

With my new rotation in Structure Credit starting in less than 2 weeks, my manager has relieved me of my daily responsibilities. Instead, I am to focus on regression testing in preparation for a major system upgrade next month and to concentrate on documenting and refining existing procedures and reports that I’ve come into contact with over the last year. It’s a rather boring role, really – writing procedures, implementing new macros, building spreadsheets, etc. And after 7-hours of them your brain turns into this jelly/glue/sulfuric dust mixture. So in a mighty effort to resuscitate myself, here’s a brief musing on Chien-Ming Wang’s pitching repertoire.

Chien-Ming Wang is a power sinkerball pitcher. By “power” I mean his fastball usually sits in the mid 90’s, and his sinker in the low 90’s. We often marvel at young pitchers who can throw fastballs that clock at 96, 98, even 100 mph (refer to affectionately by baseball people as “heat”.) But to quote Bill James (the father of modern sabermetrics), “speed for a pitcher is like looks for a girlfriend. It is meaningful but not determinative.” So a fastball pitcher, to be effective on the big-league level, must have more than just speed. He has to either develop an off-speed pitch (usually a change-up) to mix-in with his fastball, or to incorporate movements into his fastball. Wang's sinker is a fastball that moves. The ball is released with an over-the-top, then outside-in, flip of the wrist. It is gripped along the the two seams, and released as hard as possible.

So why is it so hard to hit, you asked? Well, Wang's pitch is not hard to hit, as evidenced by his low strike-out count. However, it's devilishly hard to hit his pitches well on a consistent basis. His sinker "explodes" in on the hands. The bottom of the ball falls out, and at times it seemed as if batters are having a very difficult time lifting the ball up out of the infield. When you combine a late-action 94mph sinker with a 96mph rising fastball and good controls, you have yourself a very effective ground-ball machine in Chien-Ming Wang.

And that concluded our little baseball musing of the day. Thank you all very much for staying with me.

"Strikeouts are boring - besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls. More democratic."
~From the movie Bull Durham

Awakenings: What does it mean to be "alive"?

The movie opens with a scene from a Brooklyn street in the mid 20's. The Great Depression was at its zenith, but for the 8 year-old boy Leonard, that is as far away from him as the moon. He lived his day like most kids in the city - moving joyfully between school, playgrounds, and supper at home. But soon he was gripped by something far more personal and sinister than the Depression - the Encephalitis Epidemic.

Fast-forward 36 years. Leonard was a resident at a psychiatric institute in Bronx. We do not know what we see when we look at Leonard. He stays frozen in the same position , day after day after day, unable to speak, unable to move. There are other residents like him, and neither the doctors nor the patients' love ones know what goes inside their mind. Could they be thinking inside? "Of course not," as one neurologist says in the beginning of this movie. Why not? "Because the implications of that would be unthinkable."

The static of the hospital is one day broken by a new doc in town, Dr. Sayer. Like his patient in many ways, he shuns from human touch, preferring instead the company of books and himself. He is shut off by shyness and inexperience, and even the way he holds his arms, close to his sides, shows a man wary of contact.

What then unfolds between Dr. Sayer and his catatonic patients is a summer of miraculous rebirth. The patients are awaken by a new experimental drug after more than thirty years of self-captivity. They were filled with wonder and gratitude to be able to movie and express themselves freely.

But it is not as simple as that. And as the movie unfolds, We are invited to meditate on the strangeness and wonder of the human personality. The movie reminds me of the book "Flowers for Algernon", and it beckons me to wonder: who are we? How much of this "self" that we center our lives around may simply be a result of luck, of being spare from neurological happenstance such as Alzheimer's or Encephalitis? If one has no hope, which is better: To remain hopeless, or to be given hope and then lose it again? I was moved by the extraordinary courage of the patients, especially Leonard, for bracing what life has to give, be it good or bad. In many ways, the movie is itself an "rebirth" experience. I am alive! I have freedom! I can be happy! So I will grow, so live, so die.

"那薔薇。你說。你寧願它
從來不曾開過。

與惆悵同日生：
那薔薇。你說。如果
開必有落，如果
一開即落，且一落永落"

-周夢蝶 (花心動 之一)

炎炎夏夜

冷氣機宣告罷工的夜晚．．．

思緒的殘念像花瓶般被打碎
我試著將你拼湊完整
補綴、黏附、加上適度的焊接

汗水像雨一滴一滴的下
多年前購買的書等待被閱讀
想像你先前不願提及的傷痛與陌生

晚風吹來還有牡丹香的氣息
我看得見你背後街燈搖曳
自動錶針慢下來心卻還沒有死

南柯一夢卻是該歇腳的時候
不用說報歉而你也累了
夏夜言言一再的醒來
溫柔的月光俯下身來安慰你

．．．．．

「唯有寂寞能夠長保清醒，
唯有清醒能夠永耐寂寞。」

熱的睡不著，只能想著余光中的這句話，亂胡一通，記錄那一瞬的心境。

晚安。